Asus RT-AC3200: Best Tri-Band Gigabit Router for 2016?

UPDATE: Don’t buy this router, here’s why (and a better recommendation). I just bought a new router — the Asus RT-AC3200 — and I thought I’d share the thought process behind why I chose it over newer (perhaps cooler) routers like the eero, Luma, OnHub, Portal, etc.